“I don’t know what to say.”

That is a common expression many use when confronted with people hurting. A child born with a severe defect. A death of someone close to that person. A devastating diagnosis. An announcement that shocks the daylights out of someone and embarrasses the parents. The hurt, shame and utter confusion of someone experiencing a life changing incident. 

We have all been there. What do you say? What do you do? How do you offer encouragement to that person or people? 

Due to some serious life-happenings, I decided to reread a book I read several years ago entitled When God Breaks Your Heart by Ed Underwood. Ed was a vet, a former fire fighter, and was now a pastor writing about his experience with a viral form of leukemia that ripped his skin to shreds and itched so badly he couldn’t find relief. At the time of writing, he had fought this disease for..are you ready for this?…20+ years. It had been about as honest a book as I had ever read. I wanted to read it so badly, I ordered a used copy since someone had borrowed it and not returned it. (Yeah, I forgot to write down their name). 

Back to my point. Pastor Ed tells the story of a couple who looked forward to the birth of their 3rd child. Joni knew something was wrong as soon as she was born. The little girl wouldn’t make it through the week. Already on her way to heaven, their baby would be with them very briefly. Ed’s friendship with the father was deep and during a conversation Dave said something very telling to Ed. He reassured Ed that he appreciated his love, and then said something very striking. Dave said, “So many Christians tell me that they don’t know what to say. Then they open their mouths and prove it.” (P.67)

OUCH! Been there done that. Open mouth insert foot. I remember watching an old TV show when I was a kid called Room 222. It was about a student teacher’s (Karen Valentine) life in a school.  The only episode I remember is where she pretended to know the answer to a question, but didn’t. That fact was soon evident. When the truth came out it caused the students and the teacher some grief. Her mentor told her (and I’m paraphrasing from a very distant memory), “Always tell the truth. If you don’t know the answer, say I don’t know the answer, but I will find it for you.” 

All that to say this: if you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything. Just be there. Words are unnecessary.