“I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to say.” “I hate going to funeral homes. I don’t know what to say and if I speak I am afraid I will say the wrong thing.” I can’t even begin to tell you how many time I have heard that in my 50+ years in the ministry. It is a touchy subject without a doubt. NO ONE wants to be THAT person…the one who opens mouth and inserts foot, or the one who simply says the wrong thing at the wrong time. As I was rereading and ultimately finishing last night Douglas Grouthuis’ book, Walking Through Twilight, he gave some helpful tips on how to help lighten the load of someone, like him, who was going through the slow decline and ultimate death of his wife. Following are his suggestions and I add some commentary:
First, we ought to pray for wisdom before speaking or communicating with someone under the pressure of loss. Ask God for the right words to say or not say. Pr. 12:14 says, “Wise words bring many benefits.” In that same chapter it says, “Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up.” (v.25). Choose your words wisely. Douglas gives an example of one who just found out she had cancer. The other person said, “Oh, if I had to have chemo-just shoot me.” There is a saying for that: “Better to keep your mouth shut and thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”
Second, avoid overinterpreting the dire situations by trying to read God’s mind. Stay away from cliches like “Oh, God will bring good out of evil.” That is true, but the person doesn’t want to hear that right now. How much better to sit silently and not give meaningless platitudes.
Third, learn to lament with people. Listen to the stories of suffering and identify with them. Stop interrupting. Say unprofound but appropriate things like, “I am so sorry” and “That is terrible.” Don’t wax poetic. Don’t wax spiritual. And please, please, please, don’t say, “I know how you feel.” No. No you don’t. Every situation is unique. How much better to say, “I’m sorry. I don’t know how you feel, but I will be here for you.”
I’ll add a fourth. Don’t say, “If you need me, call me.” They won’t. I’ve taken to say, “How can I help you right now?” “Can I do anything for you right now?” I’d like to also add: don’t disappear. Perhaps worse than hearing empty pablum is hearing nothing at all. If you care, put yourself out there. Martyred missionary, Jim Elliot once said, “Wherever you are, be all there.” That is especially true when offering lament to someone.
May we learn to empathize well.
I wrote about Douglas’ book in this post.
Such wise advice you’ve given us here today, Bill. At times of loss or illness in a friend’s life, just being present to listen with our hearts can say it all. The fewer words (platitudes) the better.
Blessings!
Thanks Martha although I know I can’t take credit for the main thoughts (except #4). Mr. Groothuis’ suggestions were excellent
Wise advice and really nothing to add. I really like #1 in that God knows what the needs are and can position my heart to be responsive to those needs.
I think it really important to have that attitude. When we do we will know what and what not to say.
Good advise Bill, after work today I have to go to the funeral home. I think follow up is so important, because often times its not so much as having the exact right words to say, its just being present, and showing support. Month after the funeral, often times is when the person feels the most lost, and needs the support. When I lost both of my parents three days apart, I had so many things to do to prepare for the funeral, I was so busy that my real grief period didn’t start until after the funeral. The people that contacted me a week or weeks after really meant a lot to me.
I’m heading to the funeral home today also Gail. but you are right. It is often after the fact that a person needs someone coming alongside them. I’m glad you had that.